I have had couples in my office and the husband will say, “We had great sex before we were married, but it stopped as soon as we said our vows.” What changed? Both are feeling frustrated and disillusioned. What they thought was going to happen and what actually happened after marriage were two different things. That is why it is important to identify and practice the things that encourage sexual intimacy.
Men are wired differently than women and the more we can understand the differences the easier it is to do the things we need to do to have a healthy sex life. The way women connect is emotionally and we need that before we can feel like having sex. While courting, the man is usually very attentive and they can talk for hours. The woman is feeling very emotionally connected. It is frustrating for a wife, after marriage, to be talking with her husband and all he does is continue to watch TV and nod his head without even looking up, or looking at his phone, texting. We feel disconnected.
That’s why, for a woman, foreplay starts in the morning with kindness and attention and ideally should continue throughout the day, just like it does in courting. Let your wife know you are thinking about her and can hardly wait to be with her. This can be demonstrated by being present when you come home from work and a willingness to help out with chores that need to be done and giving her time to talk about her day. She will be glad to give you sex when she is feeling loved and appreciated.
The way that a husband connects with his wife is sexually. When we deny sex with our husband, it is like them not talking to us for days when we need to connect emotionally. They feel disconnected from us when we do not engage in sex. They need us to want them and initiating sex tells them that we do. Look nice and wear sexy things just for them. They will love you for it.
Sex is a vital part of intimacy in marriage and in order for it to be fulfilling, each needs to be aware of what the other person needs to feel validated and emotionally connected. Wives need their husbands to love them and listen when they need to talk. That means listening, not listening and then trying to fix their problem, just listening and being present.
Husbands need their wives to respect them and engage in sex so they feel fulfilled sexually. Sex may not be as important to us as it is for them, but if we give ourselves wholly and completely, they will love and cherish us and freely give to us what we need emotionally.
For more information on discovering sexual intimacy in marriage read “Sheet Music” by Kevin Lehman.
Vickie Parker, LMFT
To read more of my blogs or schedule a counseling appointment visit my web site @vickiemft.com